How to be the perfect Birth Partner

Friends, I’m sorry to mislead you with my title.  I just needed to get your attention somehow.  This post is actually a “serious” confession, one that I’ve been planning to do ever since I’ve started this blog.  This is just a part of myself that I only reveal to few but now I’m ready to be fully open about it.  I hope that ones you know the truth you wouldn’t change your opinion of me whatsoever.

My brain is so inspired and preoccupied by so many cake ideas these days that I procrastinated in writing about a not very recent but disgustingly gross activity I did 5 months ago : Cannibalism.

Yup, I’ve been quite an expert at it surprisingly.  You don’t believe me? I don’t blame you, I mean its hard to believe with a face like mine right?

Abigail Lu / Artistic milestones

I love baking and puppies.

How about now?

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look  familiar ? Click the photo to zoom in.

Not what you expected of me I’m sure.  Hey where are you going?  Waaaaaait let me explain!!

Phew! Ok….so 4 months ago my very pregnant sister asked a very disturbing favor.  She wanted me to cook her placenta so that she could consume it after she gives birth.

“What the Hell !!! “

You see, this isn’t the first time I’ve actually done this.  I’ve done this twice before and I even wrote a post about the second time right HERE.  See.  It’s not so bad right? There’s even a nice word for it, placentophagy.   If you just think about it consuming your own placenta isn’t that bizarre of an idea.  The placenta contains nutients, hormones, etc. from a woman’s body that are loss during child birth, consuming it will gain you back all the loss nutrients and vitamins.

So now I’m quite used to it and have actually mastered the art of cooking homo sapiens placenta.

Here I’m going to show you a delicious way to prepare the prefect roasted placenta every time. So lets say, your sister offered you some fresh human flesh you’ll at least know what to do about it right.  And when you do please save a little bite for me.  Mwahahahaha…ha ha ah a ahem. sorry.

Before we start I have to warn you, the images below are horrifying.  View at your own risk. No really. 

HOW TO PREPARE PERFECTLY A PLACENTA FOR CONSUMPTION

Step 1 : Find your victim.  Know her name and her schedule for a C-section.

Step 2 : Get a nurse as a partner.  Or better yet, do what I did (see photo below ), disguise as a medical student and team up with a bunch of nurses and doctors during the operating hours.  Believe me they wouldn’t ask you a lot of questions especially if it’s an emergency c-section.

Artistic Milestones

… AND  FOR  GODS  SAKE  ACT  NORMAL l!  Shall we start? Lets head into the operating room.

Step 2 :  At the operating room, you need to grab the necessary tools to be able to get fresh organs as whole as possible.  Tools : scalpel, medical scissor, plier, and chisel.

artistic milestones cannibalism

Note:  If anyone suspects you, lets say, one of the nurses and the victim. Just act like you know what your doing and pretend that your counting something.

Step 3 : While everyone is busy doing what their doing.  Find your organ of interest and chisel away.  If you find yourself lost and confuse because of all the blood, just pull out the veins attached to the organ of interest.

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Step 3 : Fresh is Best, so once you got the organ.  Put it in a plastic bag or the casserole dish you hid under the operating table earlier and walk away discretely from there.

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Head home to cook the placenta right away or a better alternative is to eat it raw or you know, sushi style (wash it first of course ) Mwahahahahaha!!!

Step 4 : Since most humans would rather consume their placenta in roasted and in capsule form, I’ll teach you how.  First, under running water rinse the placenta until very little blood is left ( this takes a while ).

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 Poke it with a knife to drain the blood inside as well.  Then cut off the umbilical cord at the base and remove the membrane (the latter is optional ).

Step 5 : Place it in a steamer and steam for about 25 minutes.   Note : Do not overcook for it would loose some of it’s beneficial properties.

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You would notice that the organ will become brown and saucy and had shrank to about 2/3 of the original size.

Ahhh!  The whole kitchen smelled of murder!  (Just kidding ! )

Step 6 : Slice the placenta to about 1/4 inch thick or thinner. Then lay them on the baking tray side by side.

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Place the trays in the oven on lowest temp or preferably about 70 to 80 degrees celsius.  This will take around 6-8 hours to dehydrate.

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Step 7: Once it’s dried, use the blender to powderize these placenta jerkies into a course powder.  Then you may put them in transparent capsules that you buy in any drug stores or consume it as is.  3 teaspoons twice a day should do the trick.  🙂  (Sorry I lost the photo of the final product)

Disgusting things aside.  Here’s a picture of my new niece :

artistic milestones

Round face, round eyes, round nose, what else?

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12 thoughts on “How to be the perfect Birth Partner

  1. This is a surprise, but after thinking about it, I remembered the first time I saw my mom’s dog having poppies. I wanted to assist. I was only 7 years old, but I wanted to be a veterinarian when I grew up. A second later after the dog had the little poodles, she was eating her placenta. The truth is that I gag, and of course, it was the end of my career as a nurse or any field in medicine. 😀 So, the point is, that I see the point of eating the placenta. It is natural! However, I must admit that I am not sure any of my sisters would have done it.. heehee

    Thanks for sharing… your niece is such a little angle!

    • Glad I somehow convinced you that eating placenta isn’t insane. It’s a gross idea but yes its natural and very healthy. Thank you so much for your comment 🙂

  2. I’ve come across the idea of eating the placenta after giving birth before Abby. So I’m not in anyway shocked. My wife didn’t (nor did she express a desire too) but then she wound up with an extended stay in hospital after the birth of our son due to an internal bleed. Congratulations on your new Neice 🙂

    • Awww your wife could’ve benefited a lot with eating her own placenta, it really doesn’t taste that bad. Thanx for stopping by Martin 🙂

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